2 years

2 years.

2 years ago I was newly single from a year and a half of being in a relationship. Just recently I was reading through my notes on facebook. I completely forgot my ex gave me a long happy birthday note. This was 5 months after our break-up. 5 months of no talking. I had moved on, it was easy because I didn’t put myself out there too. We rarely saw each other, maybe just twice a month while we were together. When we started dating, he had just gotten out of a relationship and I had just broken off my 2 years on and off relationship with someone else.

I just realized that he (my ex 2 years ago) was really nice to me. He treated me with respect and although maybe he wasn’t completely honest (or maybe he was) he was sincere with me. All that time I was young, naive, saw only what I wanted to see, believed what I wanted to believe– after our break up, I thought of him as a liar, a cheater, a user. Someone who didn’t love me, who didn’t understand me. It was easy to think of all those things when I didn’t understand myself either. It was easy to move on that way. I was right about one thing though, after that break up I did understand myself more. I got better in my next relationship, I learned with every person I let into my life.

A month after my break up with the most recent relationship though– in addition to all my other learnings from this one, I realized I never appreciated those who loved me. I never allowed them to love me. By hiding parts of me, they never got to understand me. I thought that I wouldn’t get hurt, and I could avoid getting hurt by doing so but in love, you can’t be passive. To keep a person in your life is to willingly show them every side of you. To keep a person in your life is to allow them to love you, even the parts you think can’t be loved will be loved by a person who truly loves you.

I am surrounded by so many people in my life. I have kept the new friends I made, and I continue to make new ones. I’m tired of pushing people away. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t be myself and that nobody understands me. It’s about time I embrace myself. It’s about time I let people in. I am so proud of all these negative traits I have in myself that I look at them as something good, something that sets me aside from every other girl in this world.

I want love and I want it now. I want love and I need it now. I want love and I’ve got it all around me. Maybe it’s about time to give people a chance to love me. It’s certainly about time to give myself a chance to love me.

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