you’re good and you’re gone

It’s strange. Within the past few days I found myself removing all evidence of you in my life; today I was rummaging my things looking for anything you gave me so I could put it away, im currently looking through photos on my phone and laptop for memories to put into my trash, and just last week i managed to clear my archives of all (well, almost all) the messages I saved from you.

It hurts to remember and it hurts to forget because I don’t want to forget about all our dates, all our sleepovers, all our random conversations, and every little surprise we gave each other. The only thing I want to completely forget are our fights- all the names we called each other to and behind our backs, all the mean and hurtful things we said, all our misunderstandings, and the like.

I was ready to love someone, to be consumed in a relationship and I thought you were too. We kept telling each other we would work out, we would make it, we would have better days; and yet we didn’t exactly make that happen, we did what we always did, we waited. Assuming the world would give us what we wanted when it was time instead of making it happen ourselves.

I don’t want to keep writing about you, much more think about you. I end up fantasizing and making things up along the way. I end up imagining the times you would walk through my door to talk or to just give me a hug. I end up creating scenes in my head that I know aren’t going to happen.

I still can’t stop thinking about you. And it annoys me so much I end up teary, and that makes me want to get mad at myself even more. There is no escape. No matter how high I get, no matter how much I drink, no matter how many people I’m hanging out with; when a moment of silence arrives, you come into my head. You fucked me up. And I fucked us up.

I want peace and closure. I want so badly to know what you wouldn’t always say to my face, I want so badly for all these questions to be answered, and all these unsaid words to come out like vomit. I want so badly not to care about you, what you might think of me now, how you think of me now, what you say to other people. I want so badly to stop getting sad and angry when a memory of you lurks behind my mind. I want so badly to cry and break down and let everything out but I want you to be there to hug me and wipe the tears away. I want so badly to punch anything and just let it out but I want you to be the one who holds me down. I want so badly to look at you but I also don’t want you to see how much I’m hurting. I want so badly for you to feel how I’m feeling right now but I put you through that already.

Did it hurt when you broke up with me? do you still love me? or think of me?
How are you? are you truly happy with her now?
Do you regret being with me? was it worth it?
Can we talk? Please.
no—
goodbye

2 years

2 years.

2 years ago I was newly single from a year and a half of being in a relationship. Just recently I was reading through my notes on facebook. I completely forgot my ex gave me a long happy birthday note. This was 5 months after our break-up. 5 months of no talking. I had moved on, it was easy because I didn’t put myself out there too. We rarely saw each other, maybe just twice a month while we were together. When we started dating, he had just gotten out of a relationship and I had just broken off my 2 years on and off relationship with someone else.

I just realized that he (my ex 2 years ago) was really nice to me. He treated me with respect and although maybe he wasn’t completely honest (or maybe he was) he was sincere with me. All that time I was young, naive, saw only what I wanted to see, believed what I wanted to believe– after our break up, I thought of him as a liar, a cheater, a user. Someone who didn’t love me, who didn’t understand me. It was easy to think of all those things when I didn’t understand myself either. It was easy to move on that way. I was right about one thing though, after that break up I did understand myself more. I got better in my next relationship, I learned with every person I let into my life.

A month after my break up with the most recent relationship though– in addition to all my other learnings from this one, I realized I never appreciated those who loved me. I never allowed them to love me. By hiding parts of me, they never got to understand me. I thought that I wouldn’t get hurt, and I could avoid getting hurt by doing so but in love, you can’t be passive. To keep a person in your life is to willingly show them every side of you. To keep a person in your life is to allow them to love you, even the parts you think can’t be loved will be loved by a person who truly loves you.

I am surrounded by so many people in my life. I have kept the new friends I made, and I continue to make new ones. I’m tired of pushing people away. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t be myself and that nobody understands me. It’s about time I embrace myself. It’s about time I let people in. I am so proud of all these negative traits I have in myself that I look at them as something good, something that sets me aside from every other girl in this world.

I want love and I want it now. I want love and I need it now. I want love and I’ve got it all around me. Maybe it’s about time to give people a chance to love me. It’s certainly about time to give myself a chance to love me.