Always

I find myself up in the middle of the night again, hoping your fast asleep and dreaming of good things. Better things than the reality of what’s going on now. It’s only a break yet it feels like it’s the end. I’m the one on the losing end actually because it’s not a case of you vs me anymore, thats never been the case, it’s always been me vs you vs yourself. I can’t help but feel like I’ve given up a lot for you. I’ve let my walls so far down, that I don’t know how to build them back up again. I’ve become someone I always said I would never be. I’ve become afraid of myself. I’ve become a disappointment to myself. I’ve become a paradox. And instead of trying to help fix you, and change you, you ended up changing me. I feel like I’ve only made you sadder, and I can’t bring that guilt along with me anymore.

I can’t feel bad, without you feeling bad because of it. I can’t exactly do what I want, without you feeling upset because you don’t like it. I can’t always be worrying about you whenever we fight, or something bad happens to you. My life feels like it’s in your hands. I got into this, hoping I would change, learn how to actually love someone, and I think I’ve accomplished that. But in loving you, I’ve also accomplished losing a part of myself and I’ll never be whole again. Not without you.

I know the truth but I don’t want to say it. I don’t want to put it out there, to acknowledge it because it goes against what I really want. The truth is that I think we’re better off without each other for now. And I really just want you to stay, in my life. I would wait for you, if I have to. But I can’t put my life on pause for you. It’s a struggle between choosing yourself or me, and I’ve been there. I chose myself over all those other people because I knew it wasn’t right anymore. Maybe it’s time for you to do the same. 

Break my heart. You’ve been doing that already piece by piece. Go break my heart already. Leave me. Leave me for yourself. Go find yourself. Because I would rather lose you that way than to lose you because you’ve fallen out of love with me. I’ll be here, I’ll always be here. No matter how much time has passed, you’ll always have me. I’ll always be yours. I’ll always want to run back to you. I’ll always welcome you with open arms when you’re ready to come flying back to me. But I could never stand to leave you. I don’t want to look back and keep thinking about what I lost, what could have been and how much better you would be doing without me.  I’m not that person anymore. I think I’m finally the one who loves more. And I’m finally the one to get my heart broken. 

I never said I could love you forever, never said it would be easy. However I did say I would love you always, and I would be here even when it gets hard. I meant that. If you could be a word on my dictionary you would be always. At all times, on all occasions, it’s you. Always.

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