It’s becoming clear that my life is a constant battle between my feelings and my mind. At this point, it gets harder to say no to my mind. I’ve silenced it long enough but I’m afraid of my own voice; the voice in my head telling me what I’m supposed to do to protect myself. I’m feeling it again. I feel caged, underserving, sad and helpless. Eventually I’ll confuse all this for falling out of love.
I don’t think I can be madly in love when I won’t even allow myself to completely be who I am. But who can blame me? Is it wrong for me to still want to have a stable piece of myself? To make sure that when all else fails, I can still lean on myself, I wouldn’t have to be that sobbing girl at 2am reading old conversations, missing how things used to be. With every bad feeling/misunderstanding that happens, I’m losing my grip.
I don’t even think I make sense anymore.
I keep thinking, maybe if I ignore my thoughts and just fake it till I make it, I’ll forget I even had these thoughts and things will go back to normal. But things never felt normal since before. Everything has become routine, I’m afraid to let that happen because I know myself too well and I getting bored easily is a major illness of mine.
What do I want now?
A break. From myself and the world. A few more months of this and I can get that. I just need to find something to hold onto.