Fragile

I dont know who I am anymore when I am alone in the middle of the night and my thoughts and feelings are anything but good. I turn into this monster I never thought I would become. At the end of the night, all I can feel is the burning of my arm. At the end of the night, all I can see are the darkness under my eyes and swollen bulge only cold can fix. At the end of the night, I hear only the sniffles from my nose and taste only the cold air that enters through my mouth. Sometimes it makes it easier for me to sleep, and other times, the monster just gets worse even when I just close my eyes. I don’t remember much of it the next day. I guess I have a natural defense mechanism to push away the bad things. But those bad things don’t stray far, they get triggered by the most minuscule of things, during the most unwelcome times. I am fragile this way. 

Labels

MY FRIEND

to both our families, this is our relationship. And I think we’re doing a pretty good job of portraying that role. You listen to me talk and go on about tv shows, my classes, our friends, just about anything.

MY CLOSE FRIEND

drinking would be weird with people I’m not really close to. From car rides, to afternoons spent in Ayala and just enjoying eachother’s company. Thats what’s going on. I just wanna show you off to the world, be like “hey, check out me and mah close girl, this friendship is legit and forevs”

MY BEST FRIEND

who else would listen to me go on about the most minuscule details of my ordinary day? I’m comfortable (maybe sometimes even too comfortable) being around you. We’re weird together, we’re sad together, we’re happy together, basically we’re lots of things together that we might as well be a couple kind of together. 

MY SOMEONE SPECIAL

not everyone in our life knows this but basically it’s like we’re all these levels of friendship combined with intimacy, passion, feelings and sex.

MY GIRLFRIEND

is it just me or does that sound weird?

Not in a bad way of course. It’s just unusual. 

I never would have thought of anyone being MY anything in so long really. I never would have thought that anyone would be you. I never would have thought that even the sound of that could simply send vibrations through my spine and make my stomach do summersaults. 

MY EVERYTHING

Cliché as it sounds, it’s true. You’ve become my rock; staying strong and keeping strong for me, for us. My earth; keeping me grounded even when I just want to unroot myself off this world. My hand; to hold me, keep me close and warm when I feel detached from my own body. My pen; you don’t know this but every chance I get to write or type something down, it’s always about you. You inspire me. You drive me crazy. You make me laugh and cry, spill tears down my eyes, but most importantly you- my love, only you, have my heart. 

Running home

I realized that

2 am conversations 

cannot compare to the

conversations we have

when our eyes are closed,

our breaths long and deep

and our bodies light yet immovable

just an hour before midnight

 

The look you give

that matches the smile on your face

and the gleam of your eyes

cannot compare

to the look you give

that compliments the sadness in your eyes

that keep on screaming

“I love you but I’m barely holding on”

 

And I realized that

at the end of this relationship

I will have my heart broken

by you, you will be my first

heartbreak in a long time

and there is no point

in running away from you

because you are my home now,

home is where the heart is

and I’m not running away from home.

Where I want you

I do not want you in front of me,

for I am not one to follow,

unless you’re taking me

to a secret place

 

I do not want you in behind me,

for I do not rule,

this love is a democracy

ruled by both our wants and needs

 

I want you right beside me,

so we can love equally

and be together

through hardships.

 

I want you on top of me

as we lay in bed

feel the weight of our hearts

pouring into each other’s soul.

 

I want you inside me

reaching out to my demons

and wiping them off my mind,

keep me on my good side.

immovable

Some nights I just get sad

because I realize 

that one day 

I’m going to lose you

 

And sometimes

it feels like I’m losing you

when we sleep through a fight

or when you lose yourself 

 

But always know 

that I refuse to leave you

even when my body 

aches to escape 

 

I refuse to leave you

when things don’t go well

because our good days

still outweigh the bad

 

I refuset to leave you

with broken promises

with you thinking 

my love was a lie

 

I refuse to leave you 

when you feel your life is worthless

and the only thing keeping you alive

is me

 

I refuse to leave you,

I do.