Things you should know

1. You don’t know about the nights I spend crying myself to sleep because my strength cannot keep up with my emotions.
2. You don’t know about the conversations I’ve wanted to have late at night or at random times when you spend it sleeping on your bed.
3. You don’t know about the problems with my family that I think about that I want to share with you because you’re busy hating on your own.
4. You don’t know about the days that I don’t mind not being with you or seeing you because I don’t want you to think I don’t need you as much as you need me.
5. You don’t know about the dates I imagine we could go on if not for our parents and judgmental eyes.
6. You don’t know how troubled I get when I feel betrayed, lied to and mad.
7. You don’t know about the times when I just want to be left alone because apparently I no longer know how to be alone.
8. You don’t know how much you matter to me. How everything you feel, I feel. Because we are that connected.
9. You don’t know how tired I get of being strong for you and for us. I can’t always make you believe all the good things you are, you have to see it for yourself.
10. You don’t know how wonderful you are. How you light up smile and my eyes. How you send jolts up every nerve of my body. How your laugh sounds a lot like all my favorite songs combined. You don’t know how much love I hold inside my heart that it’s spilling on my blood and skin. You have tainted me with all these thoughts, all these feelings I am capable of having. You are a walking summary of the things that make me happy.

It’s a constant struggle between giving up on you and giving in to you. But there’s no difference really. You see, giving up on you requires all my courage and will to leave you, even if I still love you. It hurts you and I both. And giving up on you is to give up on myself because you have become a part of me as much as I on you. On the other hand, to give in to you requires strength and bravery and selflessness, a value in which I still have yet to learn. It will hurt my ego. To give in to you is to accept, forgive and endure all the hardships we go through no matter how bad. And to give in to you is to give up on my self because I will no longer be I but you as well.

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