The ‘bad-me’

This day just cannot get any worse. It wasn’t exactly bad but I really thought it would be like an 8 or 9 in my ratings. Now it’s just downright 5. I just wanted today to be a lazy day; no rush, nowhere to be, nothing to do, nothing to worry about or stress on like the past couple of hectic weeks it has been. It’s our break for christ’s sake. 

Is it my fault that I didn’t like the fact that she had somewhere else to be tonight? It’s not exactly her fault either. And yet I managed to piss her off for acting upset. God it wasn’t even acting. Like if you’re gonna end up leaving me when I need your company the most then why bother to be in my company anyway. This always happens. It feels like a betrayal. Jeez what an overly sensitive bitch drama queen I’m being right now. 

Jesus don’t even get me started on my friends. Of course I love them, I just wish we could be simpler. Like make a plan and stick to it instead of letting everyone down or confusing people. It’s like high school all over again. I don’t give a shit if not everyone can sleepover or hang, jeez why do we have to be so many anyway. I get that we’ve been through a lot together but we don’t owe each other a lifetime of our company, especially when it’s evident that not everybody likes everybody.

This break is making me feel like it should be a break, literally. From everyone. I have no idea how I can spend 3 weeks to myself, nor do I actually want to spend it alone. It feels like I haven’t had time to just be with myself. Or maybe I did have the time, I just didn’t want to be alone that time. Oh god I don’t think I even know how to be alone anymore. Most nights I imagine myself in someone’s company, other than that are the nights when I cry myself to sleep or stress about something.

I mean everyone has these moments too, right? But oh god I feel guilty, I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing, the damage it could cost and not only am I hurting someone else but torturing myself too. I know I’m not always like this but this usually always happens. Everyone is allowed a moment like this, right? Whether they admit it or not. 

And now I just want to punish everyone for being so god damn annoying tonight. And I just want to punish myself for feeling this way and consciously acting like this. This is shit, I feel like shit. 

 

Am I being a horrible person?

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