A hint of jealousy and selfishness

I wonder if you still think of her

the way her eyes light up and shine

the smell of her hair on a cold day

the taste of her lips and warmth of her hugs

 

Was it easy to be with her?

Did you argue about the little things,

The big things, the nothings

just like we do?

 

Did you fall in love me because

I remind you of her,

I’m better than her,

or perhaps I am her?

 

She will have a space in your heart

that I will never be able to touch

a weight you will carry throughout your life

that burdens even my shoulders

 

It’s ridiculous to compare myself to her

and to compare our love to her

nothing could be better than the present-

until the past catches up with it

 

I will never have your whole heart

and I know that, I accept that

how selfish am I to think, even for a second

that I could ever own that.

The ‘bad-me’

This day just cannot get any worse. It wasn’t exactly bad but I really thought it would be like an 8 or 9 in my ratings. Now it’s just downright 5. I just wanted today to be a lazy day; no rush, nowhere to be, nothing to do, nothing to worry about or stress on like the past couple of hectic weeks it has been. It’s our break for christ’s sake. 

Is it my fault that I didn’t like the fact that she had somewhere else to be tonight? It’s not exactly her fault either. And yet I managed to piss her off for acting upset. God it wasn’t even acting. Like if you’re gonna end up leaving me when I need your company the most then why bother to be in my company anyway. This always happens. It feels like a betrayal. Jeez what an overly sensitive bitch drama queen I’m being right now. 

Jesus don’t even get me started on my friends. Of course I love them, I just wish we could be simpler. Like make a plan and stick to it instead of letting everyone down or confusing people. It’s like high school all over again. I don’t give a shit if not everyone can sleepover or hang, jeez why do we have to be so many anyway. I get that we’ve been through a lot together but we don’t owe each other a lifetime of our company, especially when it’s evident that not everybody likes everybody.

This break is making me feel like it should be a break, literally. From everyone. I have no idea how I can spend 3 weeks to myself, nor do I actually want to spend it alone. It feels like I haven’t had time to just be with myself. Or maybe I did have the time, I just didn’t want to be alone that time. Oh god I don’t think I even know how to be alone anymore. Most nights I imagine myself in someone’s company, other than that are the nights when I cry myself to sleep or stress about something.

I mean everyone has these moments too, right? But oh god I feel guilty, I’m perfectly aware of what I’m doing, the damage it could cost and not only am I hurting someone else but torturing myself too. I know I’m not always like this but this usually always happens. Everyone is allowed a moment like this, right? Whether they admit it or not. 

And now I just want to punish everyone for being so god damn annoying tonight. And I just want to punish myself for feeling this way and consciously acting like this. This is shit, I feel like shit. 

 

Am I being a horrible person?

Numb

I want to be okay

My mind is an empty field

and my emotions are out of hand

I feel like you’re slipping away

 

Or is it just me?

It’s probably just me.

 

There are needles all over my body

it feels like the weight of the world is pushing me down

and the needles are sinking into my skin

but I feel nothing and everything.