Seal the deal

“Yes.” “Okay.” “Of course.” “I will.” “I do.”
It’s hard to believe that those simple words have the power to seal a deal, to commit. I mean, why couldn’t it be some code you’d have to memorize so not everyone can get in it so easily? Or a really long and difficult word to pronounce so you have to really know and be sure before you get into it.

I can’t remember how and when I just started to get anxious about commitment. Even the word itself sends shivers down my spine.

I can’t even imagine myself being married to one person for the rest of my life! How do you keep the spark alive? How so you stay in love? How do you not get tired of the person? Or bored??

I feel like I can’t commit because I’m just scared, I don’t trust myself because I know in the end I’m the one who will hurt the person. I would never, I could never allow myself to get hurt. And it sucks because it feels like I’m actually running from what I want.

What I want is to stay happy, to feel alive, to be myself. And I am all of these things with the person I’m with right now. I like how we are because it already feels normal, safe and comfortable. And if I were to take a step further, to seal the deal, I feel like I would just ruin it.

It’s a fight against myself and all I want to do is run away from it.

I know I’m overthinking all this, probably because it frustrates me that I could feel this way and want the opposite at the same time, and also probably because I want to take a damn risk chance on this already.

Note to self: If you’re crazy about something, let it consume you. Let it swallow you alive and turn your insides out. Let it remind you that you cannot repeat things in life and that this feeling may never come back. Let it make you feel like you matter, because you do. Let it make you feel infinite, even if it is temporary. Let it make you glad to be alive. Otherwise, if you don’t, it would just be a waste of your youth.

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