I have never let anyone close enough to hurt me.
I’m familiar with the unknown, the in-between, the proximity of being close enough but never there.
I guess you can say that I don’t always finish what I start. I give up, I lose interest, I just stop believing.
I have no clue what happens in the end, and it scares me sometimes. I always want to brace myself for impact.
And in most occasions, it’s actually the little things that in turn shatter my heart one broken glass at a time.
My heart is glass. You can feel it, you can touch it, you know it’s real but there are hidden cracks and it’s about to break completely. Frankly, I have no motivation in my life right now. It’s 1am and all I feel is emptiness. The world is so quiet, it gives me too much time to think about the things that shouldn’t matter. Sometimes I wonder if I should keep trying to survive, keep trying to live. Note that I am not saying this in a suicidal manner. Just contemplating.
Is this all worth it? Why can’t some things just last forever? We live to feel hurt and live again. It’s a never ending cycle.
What if we had minds of our own as a fetus? We could terminate our own life if we ever felt the need to; if we were scared, not prepared to face the real world, not wanting to live. Would you have chosen the easier way out?
This is how we like to live. How we like to feel. By opening ourselves up to people, pretending we’re so complicated, trying to be as simple as possible, drink away the sadness, get high on life, puff the night away. Nothing is what it seems. Can I just put this life on pause. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s right to say “my life” because it doesn’t feel that way. “My life” is guided by my friends, influenced by media, affected by strangers, my emotions I cannot even predict or control. This doesn’t feel like MY life. All I can think of is how to stay glued to what life is now and stay in it for as ever as I can.
For as ever;
it’s for as long and forever combined.
An in between.