Intimacy

What is intimacy?

 

Is it the way you touch each other comfortably in places you don’t let anyone else touch? Or the way you whisper into each other’s ears like children keeping a secret? Or perhaps it’s the way you can just lay there, hand in hand, side by side, just talking about your secrets, your passions and your desires.

I long for all three. The kind of intimacy wherein I don’t even have to try to be someone different, no one changes for anyone (unless for the actual best) the kind wherein silence is accepted and isn’t deemed awkward at all, the kind wherein you don’t have to tell each other how you feel all the time because you just know;

you just know she’s feeling sad because of no reason at all or because the rain reminds her of a sad memory, you just know he’s disappointed because his favorite team lost the game or you forgot about your plans, you just know she’s mad because you did something stupid (even if you didn’t realize it then) or when he’s frustrated because he’s being silent, knowing that if he opened his mouth, he might say something to hurt you. You don’t have to keep asking questions (although neither of you are mind readers) you don’t have to react so quickly all the time. Point is: You don’t have to try so hard all the time. Things fall into place because they’re meant to, not because you mold them to be that way. You just know.

 

I guess we all have these different notions and expectations of what is. 

But there’s almost always bound to be common ground.

Something interesting and unpredictable can happen.

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Small talk

Ohmyfreakinhell.

I am so tired of small talk. 

“Hey, what’s up”

“What’s the happening”

“Anything new?”

“What’re you up to”

I am getting sick and tired of all those conversational starters. I mean, first of all, not everyone is good with small talk.

Second of all, if a person was truly interested to talk they would engage in the conversation! But sometimes, all you’re left with is the option to just fake it; ake a laugh or a giggle, nod your head as if you’re actually listening, ask questions you already know the answer to. 

Third of all, you should just know that even if you’re obliged to do so, you can’t force these things. You can’t force a good conversation to happen. I get it though; the nice feeling of talking to someone, relating to someone, wanting to talk to someone but not being able to find the right topic. Point is: Conversations happen, but good conversations rarely do.

 

I don’t know, I’m not really one to mingle with those I have nothing in common with.

Well fuck you for invading my thoughts

But see that’s the thing about me. I’m not going to ask you to apologize and explain or seek your sympathy and comfort. I’m just going to accept it as it is, let it be and that’s that. You do something wrong then whatever. I’ve felt the pain, and I sure as hell don’t want to feel it again. So I sit or stand there in silence, absorbing my environment, taking in my feelings and exhale it all away. Of course ill stay mad or upset for some time but it’ll all blow off. Some things can be forgiven, just NOT forgotten.

Repetitive

Don’t fall in love with me,

I wrote for a sweetheart. 

 

 

Don’t fall in love with me,

I’ll only break your heart

Don’t fall in love with me

I might just tear you apart

Don’t fall in love with me

You’re a target and I’m the dart

Don’t fall in love with me

You’re one I could outsmart

Don’t fall in love with me

I told you from the start.

The Break Up Lines

There’s no reason to keep trying when it’s obviously not meant to work out.

Sometimes, the person you fall for may not be the best person to be with.

There are 2 sides to every break up, and every relationship of course. Here’s my side.

1. It’s not you, it’s me.

He is going to be a great boyfriend and husband for someone. Just not for you.

2. I’m not feeling it anymore. 

I know, I know. How can you wake up one day and not feel the same anymore? I guess it just dawned to me all of a sudden, but it’s been building up for quite some time. I feel it. The relationship wherein only one person has hope, only one person is trying, and I’m the person who is aware of it but can’t do anything about it.

At times, relationships just faze out and when they do, it’s time to move on. It doesn’t involve any blame game or bad feelings. If you feel your relationship has ‘fazed’ out, you should break up with your guy.

3. We’re too different. We don’t have a common ground to stand on. There is absolutely no foundation of friendship. This relationship basically started off as a flirtationship whether we admit it or not.

Sure we have the same course, same classes, same group of friends. But we don’t share the same interests, same sense of humor. And although differences make some couples better, sometimes it just tears them apart. It’s in our differences that we find misunderstandings. We interpret each other, you get upset over small things, I get frustrated. It’s the same cycle.

Every relationship needs a certain amount of kindness, compassion and compatibility but if you have been fighting little power struggles with him at all times, you should give up on the relationship

4. False hope.

It’s something within myself, it has nothing to do with you so don’t take it personally. You can’t wait on me to be ready for commitment forever. Neither can we act like a committed couple when we aren’t. Maybe it’s just best to move on from this and learn from it.

 If one of you is a commitment phobic, you should just end things right away instead of waiting for a couple more years before either one of you realize that your relationship will not end in marriage. It can save you a lot of hurt!

5. You deserve someone who can love you as equally as you do.

I can’t say you deserve better, although I think so. There’s always going to be someone better. You deserve someone who can make you happy, someone who can give you what YOU want and what YOU deserve and what YOU expect/ed from me. You make me happy. But lately I haven’t been feeling that. And I can sense you’ve been feeling that too.

There is no logic in being with a guy unless he can give you a lot of happiness and treat you like a princess. If you spend most of your time in your room crying or feeling bad about yourself because of him, you should dump him and try to find your happiness first. Relationships are meant to keep people happy and if yours isn’t, then it’s not worth it.

We may have gone through much to get to where we are today, and it was a good journey. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me for all the pain I have cause and am causing. I hope you do learn from this because you’re the one who has been telling me to learn from the past in the first place. At a time I believed this could have worked out, but deep inside I predicted it to fail. You can say I’m messed up that way.

But just because this didn’t work out the way we both hoped it would go, doesn’t mean we can’t try to build some other kind of relationship.

No regrets.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

Oh. Wow.

Today I found myself asking, “how do you make a person fall out of love with you?”

I guess I answered my own question.

But the real question should be how and why I asked myself that.

We’re sort of having a heart-to-heart talk.

Everytime I ask for something tragic, the truth grants my wish.

I’m the cause for my own heartbreak. Of every argument. Of every tear shed. 

I deserve this. 

And I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all these emotions. 

Maybe it’s about time for change within. 

Bummer

Wow. This week sure has been being a bitch.

My emotions have been creating all kinds of trouble for myself and some people. And the world sure knows how to conform to that. Wasn’t able to write the essay I worked hard on for our philo class, running an errand for our group in Fili class which consisted of me spending my own money and running and waiting around in the heat, being considered an absentee in both English and Fili class today, failing my polci prefi and not to mention the countless times I’ve managed to upset a certain person.

All these things put me under emotional stress. All I needed was a little understanding and just time alone to myself, neither comfort or sympathy would have made me feel any better. Ugh. Did I mention I actually cried in the girls freakin’ bathroom??? I just let all my frustrations out next to a toilet. Brilliant.

I don’t understand how he was so upset with me. But I don’t blame him since I have the tendency to presume he knows me well enough to know what I want. What do I really want? Well there’s a question with a confound answer. 

I could’ve been more clear about my feelings and intentions with said certain person but it came to the point where I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t want to talk or patch things up. Like if something bad happens, it happens. Sometimes there’s literally nothing you can do about it, so I decided to skip our last period and go home. It had been a long and exhausting day. And I sure as hell didn’t need to be on another breakdown right then and there. Though on my way home I just felt like I was running away from my problems instead of face them. How was I supposed to face a battle without any armor on? 

Maybe I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m tired of constantly disappointing him and arguing and having to try to be something I can’t be just yet. If I could change something about myself then yes, maybe I’d like to change my fear of commitment too.