Ambivalence.

Sometimes the person you fall in love with may not be the person you are meant to be with. There’s a difference between who we fall in love with, who we are meant to be with and who we settle for.

 

Lately I’ve been feeling pretty conflicted with myself. It’s like one day I know exactly how I feel and the next minute it’s like I just want to end things. We had this conversation about change and he said he would change for me. But what does that really mean to him? I don’t see the point in that, you can’t exactly change who you really are. I look back at all the countless misunderstandings we’ve had (there’s probably at least 1 for every day of the week) and I can’t help but think maybe it’s not because of poor communication but the mere lack of understanding each other’s personality. Like for instance, his annoying over reacting, or his clingy behavior, or his jokes about the same thing, or his jokes that make no sense, or the fact that he can be so easily irritable. 

Perhaps I’m just over thinking. Perhaps I remember too much of those stuff. Then again, he sure hasn’t forgotten the things that I’ve done or caused that have made him upset. I just keep disappointing him, which makes this relationship start to feel like a project to perfect rather than an actual relationship.

As time goes by, things just keep getting clearer, true colors start to show, and black and white don’t seem to compliment each other anymore.

Oh God, I hope this is just me trying to find something wrong to use as an excuse to not get into an actual commitment. 

Constant.

I feel like I disappoint you so much. Like you have this big glass of expectations for me and I haven’t even filled 1/4th of the glass yet. It’s not supposed to feel this way. I’m not supposed to feel this way. You’re so moody and oversensitive and a tad bit over-controlling. You have this need to just act like the big brother most of the time, if not you act like a 12 year-old dying to catch attention by acting like a little kid. How is it fair for you to be able to pinch my skin a lot until I complain but when I hit you once you get this raging look on your face as if I’ve done the most outrageous thing??? Do you always have to wait for me to blow up or show any signs of being annoyed and/or upset?? Because I really hate that. I hate blowing up to someone I don’t intentionally want to hurt or affect. And I most especially hate feeling annoyed. Because the truth is, you’re not annoying, I just don’t have the patience to deal with some things you do. And I can’t tell you this because you might attempt to change yourself, which will in fact change the person I fell for in the first place. Now I’m questioning who I fell in love with and why I did. And I’d hate to have to over-think that. 

This isn’t the first time, and this most certainly will not be the last. I just hope I can hold this in for as long as possible because I’d hate to break your heart.

Looking back

I’ve been reading most of my posts here for the past couple of minutes. I realized how much things have changed, how much I’ve changed and how important typing all my feels down actually is. Helps me remember the good, learn from the bad, and appreciate the present.

I haven’t posted anything since 2 months ago, which just proves how busy I am with my life and/or lazy I’ve been feeling. It’s like I want to type every important event of my life and how I feel when I feel it but then something just distracts me. I guess the thought of running out of words just prevent me from updating this. 

In the past 2 months, I have definitely experienced A LOT of emotions. The new year celebration was great, part of it was a bit of a dull and sad because it practically started off with tears of misunderstanding with the guy I’ve been talking about lately. Oh and this guy, still not my boy friend as of the moment but you could say things are getting serious. We’ve been going through a roller coaster ride but so far still so good. Every time I think about committing to him though, it kind of just freaks me out. It’s such a huge promise to make and I fear I might not be able to fulfill my end of the bargain. I know I can’t keep him up to his feet forever, neither can I bare the idea of friends, family and even strangers asking about our relationship status when we don’t even really have one all because I have commitment issues. I know all he wants is for me to make this promise, to know that I won’t wake up one day and just stop loving him and I do want to be able to give it to him, but I can’t make a promise I don’t even believe in. Right?