Call me a psychiatrist

Not me, persé. For me. Because apparently everything I say or do turns to shit before I’m even aware of the damage I’ve caused.

This whole being in love with someone is a big commitment without the commitment itself. I have a lover who turns into a parent then a friend then a nuisance but most of the time a lover. But why do I feel scared to talk to him about serious matters like school? Ugh. I feel like I disappoint him and my family. Ah fuck. Every time I think about the number of times I’ve been compared to my cousins or anyone else for the matter, it makes me hate this family. And that’s definitely the last thing I want to do. Urghhh. And now he’s making me feel like a child. Not that I don’t appreciate his concern for me and my friends towards school work but sometimes I just want to separate those two. It’s so frustrating! Fighting about how I’m doing in school?! Neither my dad or mom even talk to me about this! Then again, I wouldn’t really know what “real parents” are supposed to be like; I grew up without an actual mom, a grandmother for a mom figure, and a father whose mind was always elsewhere growing up. It felt like I was usually the parent, maybe that explains my “lack of childhood and social capability.”

I could list down all the things I’m good at and am proud of and it still wouldn’t compare to a list of all the things I’m not capable of or have no talent or skills in. Yeah, wow, I sure know how to let myself down. Ugh, god, this is ridiculous and depressing. Partly why I would never date or love a girl like me. 

Fuck.

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