It’s officially been a week since we last talked!
I have been dying to talk to him for days and I feel like he barely feels the same! What happened to all those things he said about “doing anything to make things work with us” that sure is bull now. If he meant that, and if he wasn’t such a pussy we would be okay by now. And being a girl is so exhausting because although I want to be the man and talk to him first, apparently I shouldn’t because “im the girl.” And my friends have a point, I wasn’t the one who got upset and moody and shit, right??
But the longer this goes on, I swear I’m going to give up on this. What’s the use??? If we ignore each other for a week because of some idiotic and childish reason then what more if we argue about something else in the future! This is definitely not going anywhere.
Lately I’ve been thinking about someone else. But it’s only because of my stupid craving for a stupid kiss. And this person is a really good friend and I sure as hell don’t want to end up falling. Okay, my brain is making me crazy.
I’m so tired of waiting for things to happen. But I’m too much of a coward to make things happen myself.
He makes me happy. But lately he’s been making me feel irritated and just upset. We had a misunderstanding and now we haven’t talked in 2 days but I see him everyday and I feel horrible. I want to do something about it but I’m scared. I feel like I’m usually the one who puts my feet down when it comes to times like this. I can’t say I’m not at fault too though. I guess I’m an idiot that way; I don’t know when I’ve actually hurt someone even if my intention was not to in the first place. Now I just miss him.
Not me, persé. For me. Because apparently everything I say or do turns to shit before I’m even aware of the damage I’ve caused.
This whole being in love with someone is a big commitment without the commitment itself. I have a lover who turns into a parent then a friend then a nuisance but most of the time a lover. But why do I feel scared to talk to him about serious matters like school? Ugh. I feel like I disappoint him and my family. Ah fuck. Every time I think about the number of times I’ve been compared to my cousins or anyone else for the matter, it makes me hate this family. And that’s definitely the last thing I want to do. Urghhh. And now he’s making me feel like a child. Not that I don’t appreciate his concern for me and my friends towards school work but sometimes I just want to separate those two. It’s so frustrating! Fighting about how I’m doing in school?! Neither my dad or mom even talk to me about this! Then again, I wouldn’t really know what “real parents” are supposed to be like; I grew up without an actual mom, a grandmother for a mom figure, and a father whose mind was always elsewhere growing up. It felt like I was usually the parent, maybe that explains my “lack of childhood and social capability.”
I could list down all the things I’m good at and am proud of and it still wouldn’t compare to a list of all the things I’m not capable of or have no talent or skills in. Yeah, wow, I sure know how to let myself down. Ugh, god, this is ridiculous and depressing. Partly why I would never date or love a girl like me.
Okay, after a few attempts, I have finally managed to return the favor.
And by this I do mean saying an “I love you” back.
I know it hasn’t been long, I don’t have much basis as to why but basically the way he makes me feel and the way I feel when I’m around him, I think that’s it. It feels like the first time all over again except I think this would have to be the best of them all. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen for someone so hard like this. He makes me want to become a better person (not that I’m some sort of crack whore who sleeps around and has no goal in life or anything) but he makes me try new things, he makes me experience a kind of euphoria beyond this little bubble I’ve grown up with. Jeez, even the thought of him manages to light up my face.
Despite all these things I’m typing (and thinking) a part of me is still glued to being cautious and self-preserved. I feel like if I totally allow myself to give my all on him, I’m going to lose it when he’s gone. Urgh. I really dislike thinking about the future, it makes me uneasy and paranoid but I can’t help it. And I doubt anything can stop me from being this way, right? Guess he’ll just have to live with this me and all I can offer.
Then again, this could be my period brain talking, thinking and typing all this down. Periods, their very dangerous on women who are in love. Aw.