Wow. Some week this is turning out to be!
The other night, we were chatting and we came to the topic of relationships. And he asked me if I was ready for one. That really freaked me out! Then we agreed we’d talk about it tomorrow. I thought ahead, poured down all my thoughts and feelings into 5 pages. And true to my promise to myself, I gave him the letter yesterday. I wish I saved a copy for myself; because I have the tendency to forget all about things I write about. But before I handed him the letter, I made sure he asked me the question he asked me through chat. But he changed his words! This time he said, “Can I court you?” I was in deep shock and that was when I let my written words speak from me.
Today, he told me how he feels. In all honesty, I wasn’t expecting anything, well, I wasn’t expecting much. But he came through, he was honest and sincere and I was very surprised when he said “I’m in love with you” now that I’m writing this all down. Maybe I heard wrong? But I couldn’t have because of how I reacted. I was sort of freaking out in front of him. “How could this guy be in love with me???,” I thought to myself. I mean we barely know each other! I mean what basis does he have to say that?? I couldn’t believe it. And my reaction and all the things I was saying that moment was confusing him and the last thing I wanted to do was confuse him! I got what I wanted: the truth. I should be happy, right?? Instead I’m freaking out. It shouldn’t be a big deal. No change will happen between us.
What is wrong with me??? I feel like I don’t trust myself when it comes to these things. I’m really bad at this!! I wish I could be as real, as honest, as sweet, and as sincere in real life as I was in those letters I gave him. But for some reason, that never happens. I’m probably just over-thinking all this, right?