To love or not to love? That is my life’s question.
It’s been a while since I posted my thoughts on this thing. And it’s taken me quite a few days to actually figure out what to type down. But I think I might have just unlocked a part of my mind that stores unacknowledged thoughts.
The only reason I really thought this one through is probably because a certain guy is mad at me. As to why he is, I have absolutely no clue and he won’t even tell me. Ughhhh it’s so annoying and unfair!! It makes me feel like a monster to not even know what I’ve done wrong! Or to have done something wrong that didn’t seem wrong to me anymore.
I suspect it’s because I don’t talk or hang around him much compared to a month ago…. He should know by now that I’m not the kind of girl who wants to be seen as someone who needs someone else all the time. Or someone clingy and needy. I’m not exactly sure how to organize all these thoughts right now but what the heck. Might as well get it out of my brain before it eats me up late at night.
I’m not one to voice out how I feel. That’s how my family is and I guess that’s sort of how I was raised. We’re not very verbal when it comes to feelings. Some of us are really private about it, some tell a few people just to get it out of their system and the rest spread it out like butter on a piece of bread. I think I’m lucky to be all three or maybe two of those.
When it comes to anything relationship wise, not family or friends related, I’m sort of a mess. I have no words right now to further elaborate it but I do know that maybe I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m afraid to love. I’ve never actually been in love. I don’t know what it feels like to be in love and I sort of don’t want to know what it feels like. Having being in one and a few not-so-defined relationships was a lot for me to handle. But maybe as I grow older I will welcome it with open arms. But right now I think I’ve hurt a few people already and I wish I could explain to them but feelings and thoughts like this? It’s not something I’d like to share with someone who I’m not in love with or almost in love with.
I feel like I’m a dangerous person to even fall in like with.