Out in the open

Wow. Some week this is turning out to be!

The other night, we were chatting and we came to the topic of relationships. And he asked me if I was ready for one. That really freaked me out! Then we agreed we’d talk about it tomorrow. I thought ahead, poured down all my thoughts and feelings into 5 pages. And true to my promise to myself, I gave him the letter yesterday. I wish I saved a copy for myself; because I have the tendency to forget all about things I write about. But before I handed him the letter, I made sure he asked me the question he asked me through chat. But he changed his words! This time he said, “Can I court you?” I was in deep shock and that was when I let my written words speak from me.

Today, he told me how he feels. In all honesty, I wasn’t expecting anything, well, I wasn’t expecting much. But he came through, he was honest and sincere and I was very surprised when he said “I’m in love with you” now that I’m writing this all down. Maybe I heard wrong? But I couldn’t have because of how I reacted. I was sort of freaking out in front of him. “How could this guy be in love with me???,” I thought to myself. I mean we barely know each other! I mean what basis does he have to say that?? I couldn’t believe it. And my reaction and all the things I was saying that moment was confusing him and the last thing I wanted to do was confuse him! I got what I wanted: the truth. I should be happy, right?? Instead I’m freaking out. It shouldn’t be a big deal. No change will happen between us.

 

What is wrong with me??? I feel like I don’t trust myself when it comes to these things. I’m really bad at this!! I wish I could be as real, as honest, as sweet, and as sincere in real life as I was in those letters I gave him. But for some reason, that never happens. I’m probably just over-thinking all this, right? 

 

We’re pretty cute together though. hihiImage 

made this poem-ish around 3 weeks ago when I couldn’t sleep back in our hotel in Israel. 

 
I’d write a love song about you

But that’s super cheesy
doesn’t mean I don’t like you as much,
Please believe me
 
I’m into cuddling
I’m into letters
I’m into hand holding 
and borrowing sweaters 
 
I’m into romance, 
I’m into cute things
And when you laugh
My heart just sort of sings
 
You’re too sweet and I don’t deserve you
You’re too nice for me to desert you
You’re the cloud that takes me high
You’re the sad song waiting for a goodbye
 
If I do end up falling for you
Shatter these walls,
give me something to believe in
Before death calls
 
if I do end up falling for you
Don’t let me get in your way
You’re one of the few
Who actually mean what they say
 
And if I do end up falling for you,
Let me leave you if I can’t take it
Because I’m running scared, unprepared
And my heart won’t mend if you leave
 
If you fall for me
I’d like to know why
And tell me the truth
I might not want to say goodbye
 
If you fall for me
Stay with me through the nights
And understand me when 
I’m not feeling alright
 
And if you fall for me
Please don’t leave me hanging
Tell me what’s on your mind
And let’s hope this is perfect timing. 

Inner goddess

Nov 16
I am so exhausted but I have to type this all down or else every time I close my eyes and try to sleep, parts of to tonight will keep replaying in my head.

Not everything about tonight was all that fun but I guess what made my night was really the dancing, stressing out and chilling with my friends (both old, new and current)

My night started out pretty normal and boring! Just our group standing at the side of the crowd who were going crazy over the bands that were playing. Then I’d go along with our photographer who had to do his job instead of get distracted by me. He finally decided he was done so we pretty much chilled and then the wildness of everybody came out. And by that I mean all the pushing, stepping on feet, dancing, sweating and just wild things came out!!! At first it was pretty okay then we lost the boys then we moved towards the middle and it was intense! And then we found him and I stayed where he was (trying not to mind the others guys towards my left) dancing to all the mixes of the DJ with him behind me. Shit that was really intense. Probably like an out of body experience. I wish I drank something though, so at least I’d feel like I had something to blame for not feeling or acting like myself. Now I can’t believe I let those things happen. I let my fucking guard down just to dance!!! And by that I mean, the dancing with his hands and mine intertwined, his head leaning towards me, his whispers right in top of my ear, his hands making their way down my shoulder and to my hips. All as we danced! Did not fucking expect that. It was so intimate.

When the dancing was stopped (by force) there was a fireworks display. It was beautiful and magical! Fml talaga. It was exactly like in movies!!! My 2 friends were with me and he was behind me. We watched the stars twinkle brightly against the rain clouds then gazed upon the brightness of fire dancing in the sky while I was leaning my head on this shoulder, he was leaning forward with his hands wrapped around me as they intertwined. Shit I can’t believe that happened. That I actually shared a moment like that with someone!!! With him!!!!! It felt like New Years! And all that was missing was a New Years kiss. Shiiiiiiiit. Ewwwwwww. Fuck me.

It was all so romantic until we had to go outside an wait for the other guys so we could leave and chill some place else but someone took forever so the irks and I decided to eat in mcdo and he tagged along. He shouldn’t have cus he was sleepy and his sisters were alone at home but he did. And it was nice. Just chilling there late at night, secretly (or at least it felt like it was a secret us it was under the table) holding hands and playing with eachothers fingers with my friends as they ate. Then they went home ahead and he waited with me until my driver arrived. As he pulled out the corner, we stood, he gave me a hug and that was see you later.

I don’t know how I will feel when I wake up but now I know as my day ends, before I sleep, ill feel happy and good and just at peace knowing someone out there actually really cares… And also knowing my normal side of the brain isn’t trying to argue with all this cheesy shit going on. 

PISS OFF DOUCHEBAGS

I am beyond pissed today. I cannot believe I’m going to end my day feeling like this. I do not look forward to school anymore. Urghhhhhh

1. IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY THEN DON’T SAY ANYTHING.

Who the fuck would comment “……” on a serious question about homework for fun??? Is it funny?? Where is the respect there?? I mean I didn’t get a proper answer because clearly no one had an answer for it!!! Why do you have to be immature about it?!

2. SAY IT TO MY FACE, YOU FUCKING FUCKER

Don’t talk about me to someone else when I’m clearly just beside you!!! Such a fucking coward, you piss off.

3. DON’T GET YOUR FRIENDS INVOLVED

Theyre my friends too!!! Now I’m just annoyed that they’re ignoring me too and avoiding eye contact with me just because I’m “mad” YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHY IM MAD YOU FUCKER LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU MAKE ME SEEM LIKE A MONSTER OR MEDUSA!!!

4. IF YOU GUYS DONT WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ME OR NEAR ME THEN GET OUT OF THE CLASS BECAUSE FACE IT, YOU CANT AVOID ME IF WERE CLASSMATES

5. DO NOT. DO NOT EVER. DO NOT EVER TALK TO ME COOLY AS IF YOU WERE NEVER MAD AT ME OR GAVE ME A HARD TIME BECAUSE FRANKLY, I DONT LIKE NOT KNOWING WHY SOMEONE IS MAD AT ME OR UPSET WITH ME PLUS GIVES ME SHIT ABOUT IT.

 

Love me not

To love or not to love? That is my life’s question.

It’s been a while since I posted my thoughts on this thing. And it’s taken me quite a few days to actually figure out what to type down. But I think I might have just unlocked a part of my mind that stores unacknowledged thoughts.

The only reason I really thought this one through is probably because a certain guy is mad at me. As to why he is, I have absolutely no clue and he won’t even tell me. Ughhhh it’s so annoying and unfair!! It makes me feel like a monster to not even know what I’ve done wrong! Or to have done something wrong that didn’t seem wrong to me anymore.

I suspect it’s because I don’t talk or hang around him much compared to a month ago…. He should know by now that I’m not the kind of girl who wants to be seen as someone who needs someone else all the time. Or someone clingy and needy. I’m not exactly sure how to organize all these thoughts right now but what the heck. Might as well get it out of my brain before it eats me up late at night.

 

I’m not one to voice out how I feel. That’s how my family is and I guess that’s sort of how I was raised. We’re not very verbal when it comes to feelings. Some of us are really private about it, some tell a few people just to get it out of their system and the rest spread it out like butter on a piece of bread. I think I’m lucky to be all three or maybe two of those. 

When it comes to anything relationship wise, not family or friends related, I’m sort of a mess. I have no words right now to further elaborate it but I do know that maybe I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m afraid to love. I’ve never actually been in love. I don’t know what it feels like to be in love and I sort of don’t want to know what it feels like. Having being in one and a few not-so-defined relationships was a lot for me to handle. But maybe as I grow older I will welcome it with open arms. But right now I think I’ve hurt a few people already and I wish I could explain to them but feelings and thoughts like this? It’s not something I’d like to share with someone who I’m not in love with or almost in love with.

I feel like I’m a dangerous person to even fall in like with.