To you, from me of course

Dear you,

god knows why I’m even typing all this down. Maybe I’ve been inspired after watching My Sassy Girl last night. I thought of you as I was watching the movie. How you and the girl have the same name. What a bipolar bitch the girl can be, how she likes to focus on the positive things in life but the negatives still get her really down, sort of like me. How kind, truthful, loving, sweet, sincere, and focused the guy is, kind of like you. And how they’re total opposites, sort of, kind of, like us, in a way. 

Well you’re chatting with me right now and we’re not talking about much. In fact, were talking about the fact that I should exercise. I don’t get it. You think I should exercise yet you also think I’m too thin? You got me confused over there. But I won’t tell you that anytime soon.

This morning you told me you missed me, my stomach did a backflip and I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I was thinking the same thing last night before I drifted off to sleep but I wasn’t sure whether to tell you or not but I guess you beat me to it. It’s been only 3 days since we last saw each other, imagine what 2 weeks would be like when I’m off to the other side of the world? I don’t know why I even miss you and I wonder if I even have the right to?

Right now I should be working on my groups SoSc video but the thought of typing this all down and having you read it seemed irresistible. But I don’t have plans of letting you read this. Not yet. Maybe in the future. If there’s still something we can call an “us” whatever this “us” is. A part of me is hoping you’d find this and read this though. So I wouldn’t have to show you or admit it; admit that I think of you day and night; when my phone lights up or when a facebook chat box makes a sound or even as I finish reading my 50shades. Admit that I absolutely like how warm your hand is and how you just grab mine with it. Admit that I like being hugged by you. Admit how much I want to throw my phone or smash my keyboard every time you say something cheesy or corny with your matching “aw unsa ba”. Admit that I find you so mysterious when you just stare at me with those shiny, brown eyes of yours. 

Speaking of 50 shades, it’s kind of crazy how you remind me of him sometimes, of Christian Grey. Or maybe I just try to find something about a character to associate with you. What on earth are you doing to me?!?! You’re confusing me to death!!!

You know I don’t like commitment. I know you don’t like it either. But if we keep this up, I know for sure that I’m going to get attached to you and you’re going to want more than your fear. But I don’t think I can handle that. I can’t handle serious emotions, all the expectations that come with it and bear facing you in the end when I know I might just drive you crazy and end up only hurting you. 

It’s pretty simple and complicated. I want to be all the things we can be in my head, but I don’t want it as bad as I don’t want commitment. Because with commitment comes more deep feelings, expectations and disappointment. And with these three, the end will only lead to just that, an end. And I don’t think I can handle an end to a good chapter of my life.


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