Unreal, surreal

I don’t really know how to describe how my day went but it definitely made me feel like I was flying. Gosh how is this happening.. 

I had lunch with my girls and it was fun seeing all of us complete and together but I was running really late for my next date/appointment/hang out (?) with J. We planned to hang out and he decided it would be perfect to have a photo shoot so we did! The weather was perfect and then it wasnt… But I still think it was good. He got some good shots, thankfully, since I was being all weird and awkward about being the “model” I mean I’ve had photo shoots before, around 4 to be exact. But having him see me through his lens, that made me kind of anxious… It made me feel like I wanted him to see me perfectly, or something like that.

After the shoot we just chilled, talked about the past, a bit of the present and even the future. Speaking of present, he gave me chocolate again and a rosary bracelet which he wrapped around my wrist while we were on the swings. 

It was definitely the kind of “hang out” I’d enjoy repeating. I’m going to stop typing now so I don’t over-analyze and over-think anything. Right now, I just want to look back, remember those moments and smile. 🙂 

Rain after the sunshine

My theory about my happiness level seems to be true. My happiness level theory statEd that whenever I’m extremely happy, something bad happens soon after. 

well tonight pretty much made me feel like crap. He told me something I didn’t expect. And I reacted in the most honest way possible. But he didn’t like it so he got upset. It took me around 4 hours to figure out he was upset because I couldn’t take the silent treatment anymore. I had a feeling he was upset so I chatted with him. And I told him to tell me the truth. Now I feel like I’ve lost him. I never even had him in the first place. 

This absolutely cannot be happening. 

Maybe my friend was right. Maybe I am a soul crusher. 

10-11-12

I’ll remember this day well. How you surprised me in the morning with your “Mars ka ba” pick-up line followed by an actual Mars chocolate bar, how the rain fell from the heavens as we made our way pass the cars that surrounded us, how you held my umbrella for me, how we slowly made our way to our building covered in sweat with shaking legs, how we talked about more personal things even for just a while, how you put your arm around me and pulled me close as we sat by the door waiting for our teacher to finish her class, how you randomly grabbed my hand and massaged it, how we casually watched a cute movie in the canteen, how you grabbed tissue readily and dried my tears for me as the movie ended, how we walked hand-in-hand under the starless sky talking about how we never talked to each other before, how we tried to communicate with no words and how you brought me to my car to make sure I’m safe. 

 

All those little moments turned into one memorable day. You definitely, without a doubt, made my day. And I was and am sure as hell not afraid to admit that. 🙂

 

Then again, aside from you, the good presentation in Sosc, the easy finals test in Sosc, the ReEd finals exemption and the short bonding session/mocking me session after class also made my day. But you were and are definitely the highlight.

To you, from me of course

Dear you,

god knows why I’m even typing all this down. Maybe I’ve been inspired after watching My Sassy Girl last night. I thought of you as I was watching the movie. How you and the girl have the same name. What a bipolar bitch the girl can be, how she likes to focus on the positive things in life but the negatives still get her really down, sort of like me. How kind, truthful, loving, sweet, sincere, and focused the guy is, kind of like you. And how they’re total opposites, sort of, kind of, like us, in a way. 

Well you’re chatting with me right now and we’re not talking about much. In fact, were talking about the fact that I should exercise. I don’t get it. You think I should exercise yet you also think I’m too thin? You got me confused over there. But I won’t tell you that anytime soon.

This morning you told me you missed me, my stomach did a backflip and I think I stopped breathing for a few seconds. I was thinking the same thing last night before I drifted off to sleep but I wasn’t sure whether to tell you or not but I guess you beat me to it. It’s been only 3 days since we last saw each other, imagine what 2 weeks would be like when I’m off to the other side of the world? I don’t know why I even miss you and I wonder if I even have the right to?

Right now I should be working on my groups SoSc video but the thought of typing this all down and having you read it seemed irresistible. But I don’t have plans of letting you read this. Not yet. Maybe in the future. If there’s still something we can call an “us” whatever this “us” is. A part of me is hoping you’d find this and read this though. So I wouldn’t have to show you or admit it; admit that I think of you day and night; when my phone lights up or when a facebook chat box makes a sound or even as I finish reading my 50shades. Admit that I absolutely like how warm your hand is and how you just grab mine with it. Admit that I like being hugged by you. Admit how much I want to throw my phone or smash my keyboard every time you say something cheesy or corny with your matching “aw unsa ba”. Admit that I find you so mysterious when you just stare at me with those shiny, brown eyes of yours. 

Speaking of 50 shades, it’s kind of crazy how you remind me of him sometimes, of Christian Grey. Or maybe I just try to find something about a character to associate with you. What on earth are you doing to me?!?! You’re confusing me to death!!!

You know I don’t like commitment. I know you don’t like it either. But if we keep this up, I know for sure that I’m going to get attached to you and you’re going to want more than your fear. But I don’t think I can handle that. I can’t handle serious emotions, all the expectations that come with it and bear facing you in the end when I know I might just drive you crazy and end up only hurting you. 

It’s pretty simple and complicated. I want to be all the things we can be in my head, but I don’t want it as bad as I don’t want commitment. Because with commitment comes more deep feelings, expectations and disappointment. And with these three, the end will only lead to just that, an end. And I don’t think I can handle an end to a good chapter of my life.

My attachment theory

A few days ago, I was trying to explain to my friend what was going on between me and some guy. If there’s actually something going on and not just my mind conjuring some sort of delusion. So I think it’s safe to say that I’ve come up with my own attachment theory which is divided into 3 parts:

 

1. Time for me

-I am a complete sucker for anyone who makes time for me. I think it’s very important. To know that no matter how busy a person is, they can still make time just to talk to you or hear from you. It makes me feel special, that I’m not a bother, that I’m worth your time and that you want to talk to me. This is the stage wherein we practically text everyday or chat once a day, hang out together, talk on the phone or even skype. This is the stage wherein I will decide to put some trust in you.

 

2. Hear me out and don’t forget

– When you make time for me, the more we keep talking, the more I’ll get used to it; it will become part of my daily routine, it will become me. This is the stage wherein I’d really appreciate it if you remember certain things I say. I’m going to find any means possible to talk to you or be near you. This is the stage wherein I will figure out if you’re being real with me and if I can hand you my trust.

Note that 1 and 2 may be interchanged. 

 

3. I crave your touch

– I most definitely don’t mean this in a perverted, lusty way. This is just the stage wherein I feel like I know you more. And when you start holding my hand, or wanting to hug me or anything physical, I can’t contain myself. I just want you by my side almost all the time. It is in this stage that I feel secure enough and more trusting with you. Some expectations will sort of make its way through my head. This stage is confusing; I don’t want to be in a relationship with you but I like holding your hand and whatnot. And if you suddenly stop doing these things I’ll feel like you want nothing to do with me.

 

4.Emotional baggage

This is the stage wherein I start voicing out my opinions on topics much deeper than “how was your day” or “what did you eat?” or “i like what youre wearing” The stage when I would like to have much more things to talk about. Topics included here are friends, family matters, my deep-rooted insecurities and trust issues. Even love. If you stop talking to me all of a sudden in this stage, I will die inside and feel the need to hate you for making me confide in you and making me open up to you. 

 

Currently, I guess I’m in #3 trying to get to #4. But I won’t allow myself to do so. Especially because I don’t know what’s going on with us. And I’m afraid to DTR (define the relationship) because I dont even want one in the first place but I’m willing to attach myself to this guy. SOMEONE SHOOT ME. OR REPLACE MY BRAIN.