Doppelgänger: a ghostly counterpart of a living person; a double; an alter ego.
I think I know why I feel so restless and can’t sleep most of the time. I feel like someone in the other side of the world who represents me is trying to come out. The more outspoken, risk-taking, greedy, evil kind. The one who comes up with all these schemes and plots. The one who creates all these scenarios in my head while I lay in bed waiting for sleep to catch up with me.
It’s weird. Almost everyday I come across a decision to a bitch or be nice. Who am I really? For example, I know I want to be a bitch to E because I feel like he’s being douche to me but a part of me (probably the more caring and rational one) always stops me. Telling myself that I don’t want to hurt this person even more just because he’s nice (or seems nice) or just because I want to be the better person. Then the same part of me creates all these scenarios in my head that I’ve been wanting and craving for. Like the fact that I’m itching to just make out with somebody, and not just anybody but this part of me puts a face to this person who happens to be my ex. This part of me also re-creates the past and how I would have wanted it to happen. The “sensible” part of me is always the one analyzing, thinking and going against everything else my bitter half has to say.
What am I even saying?? Has all this even processed in my head already? Because I feel pretty crazy typing all this down. And this doesn’t even sum up what I’m trying to explain and how I feel.
Tonight I’m just restless, and tomorrow I think I just want to give myself a chance to be careless and reckless and free.