Fucking exhausting day

Where do I begiiiiin.

I just got home and I am beyond tired. And I didn’t even do much! Well it feels like I didn’t do much. I think I wasted a perfect night all.

The morning started off really nice actually, despite the fact that I had to wake up early. I actually got to school on time and we left an hour later! And we rode a jeepney (a means of public transportation where I’m from) and I was with my block mates of course. I was listening to my iPod, but set the volume enough so I could hear everyone else talking. Ryan Cabrera’s song “I will remember you” played and I just looked (oh so dramatically) beyond the corners of the jeepney and just smiled at myself. It was most definitely in that moment that I realized how much I loved my block even if I don’t hang out with everyone or talk to everyone everyday. But I did share some moments with each of them and those moments are enough to remind me that those people are good people and good friends and I should treasure them. We get to the place (which took an hour) and we spend like 5 minutes just to plant those mangroves. So we decided to chill by the bangka’s and stuff for a while. Everything that morning was fun and special because of the people. 

It’s not the place that makes the people, it’s the people that make the place

 

CHARBAKI. i knoooow :>

So we get back to school and I was still planning out my afternoon. I was going to go home for lunch, take a shower, go to SM to buy a white shirt for the Students Night Out, visit my friends in CDU, go back to school for the SNO then go to the zumba party. It was all perfect until my friends in CDU canceled, so my blovkmates managed to convince me to go to the SNO. I mean, it sounded hell fun and if I got bored I could just leave to go zumba, right?

Wrong.

My 2 friends and I passed by 7eleven to grab a bite then headed to school. Unfortunately, we ended up in one of the drinking places near by. We met up with other friends too but the people there weren’t really my people. The moment I entered the place I was literally just itching to get out. A supposedly “close” friend of mine was apparently drunk and heartbroken. I tried to be there for her and take care of her but she didn’t even try to help herself. I mean, I thought we were close man?? We’re supposed to tell each other things and trust each other with those things. I guess not. I’m really disappointed and upset with her. So basically, although I did enjoy the time spent with the people I was with, the rest of my day was spent trying to take care of the drunk/tipsy people. Sigh. I was really hoping to do something reckless and stupid tonight, actually. I mean, in al honesty, I’ve been dying to make out with someone. Lol. But whatevs. I guess I’m not meant to be reckless and stupid for once in my life. Or at least not yet.

 

College may be a huge opportunity to re-invent yourself but that doesn’t give you the right to remove everything and everyone from your life before.

Doppelgänger thoery

Doppelgänger: a ghostly counterpart of a living person; a double; an alter ego.

I think I know why I feel so restless and can’t sleep most of the time. I feel like someone in the other side of the world who represents me is trying to come out. The more outspoken, risk-taking, greedy, evil kind. The one who comes up with all these schemes and plots. The one who creates all these scenarios in my head while I lay in bed waiting for sleep to catch up with me.

 

It’s weird. Almost everyday I come across a decision to a bitch or be nice. Who am I really? For example, I know I want to be a bitch to E because I feel like he’s being douche to me but a part of me (probably the more caring and rational one) always stops me. Telling myself that  I don’t want to hurt this person even more just because he’s nice (or seems nice) or just because I want to be the better person. Then the same part of me creates all these scenarios in my head that I’ve been wanting and craving for. Like the fact that I’m itching to just make out with somebody, and not just anybody but this part of me puts a face to this person who happens to be my ex. This part of me also re-creates the past and how I would have wanted it to happen. The “sensible” part of me is always the one analyzing, thinking and going against everything else my bitter half has to say.

 

What am I even saying?? Has all this even processed in my head already? Because I feel pretty crazy typing all this down. And this doesn’t even sum up what I’m trying to explain and how I feel. 

 

Tonight I’m just restless, and tomorrow I think I just want to give myself a chance to be careless and reckless and free.

Unsaid

It’s been a while.

Life has been pretty boring. And by boring I mean, compared to last year, no drama is happening. 

But lately, I’ve been trying to be honest with E. I feel like he’s trying to push me away or ruin or friendship or do whatever he can to find a reason to move on from me. I can’t believe I actually thought he would be different. lol if I thought that way, I guess maybe a part of me actually almost started to fall for him. Just maybe. But now everything is different, well at least through my perspective. We don’t talk as much, and when we do talk it’s not much. Not to mention, I’ve been hearing nasty stuff about him and how he sort of flirts with so many other girls. When I heard that I actually accidentally slapped my classmate. Sigh. Rumors like that just make me rethink everything about that person or any person. I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore. And with this situation, it made me rethink my perspective on love or feelings in general. I built these walls because I don’t just let anybody in, and when I do, I don’t want to feel like I let those walls down for nothing. Now I’m that girl who can’t get a decent guy to like her. Then again, I don’t want to date a nice guy. I mean, that would be really nice and all but I don’t think I can handle being with a guy for a long time. In the end its all the same, we’d both go through pain. Nice guys are for marrying, and I could never see myself falling for any of my nice guy friends. I wouldn’t want to hurt him. Which is also one of the reasons I don’t want to fall for E. I just can’t. Ever.

 

Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest

That made you run and hide like a scared little boy?

I looked into your eyes, thought I knew you for a minute

Now I’m not so sure

 

So here’s to everything, coming down to nothing

Here’s to silence that cuts me to the core

Where is this going?

Thought I knew for a minuteBut I don’t anymore