I met this guy around the end of April at a party and we clicked. And ever since then, we seem inseparable (or at least to me) We text everyday non-stop, talk for a few hours when we could and even started skyping. So far, we’ve only seen each other around 6 times and yesterday was one of those times. Except yesterday, he sort of told my friend (and possibly me; indirectly) that he like likes/d me. Whether it was past or present tense I really don’t remember, all I know it that it caught me off guard and I practically spaced out for a bit after that. I don’t get it. I told some of my friends and they all said the same things, “I saw it coming” “It was obvious” “I knew it” and even “I ship you guys” NO. JUST NO, OKAY.
He’s just my friend. That’s all I want him to be. Not that he’s not boyfriend material, or that I don’t feel anything for him or that I’ve friend zoned him (he doesn’t even believe in the friend zone) but because I don’t want to hurt him, ever. And with me, that’s bound to happen. I’m not as into relationships as I wish I could be. I admit I do miss holding someones hand, stolen glances, dates and those seizure moments you get from talking but I just can’t do this. I can’t afford to hurt him, lose him as a friend or make things complicated by getting into a relationship. Not to mention what a hypocrite I’m being right now; I promised myself I would go with the flow but told myself not to get into a relationship this year. Not that I do want to be in a relationship with him! ugh i don’t even know anymore. We’re both totally different!!!!
And now he comes up with a line saying how he’s not tall, white or has cute small eyes (which is what I described my happy crush; one of them that is) but would do anything to be with me. DO YOU KNOW WHAT BEING WITH ME ENTAILS??? Ughh. I really don’t like this. This isn’t my area of expertise to deal with someone else’s feelings. And as cheesy as it sounds, I actually told him on the 1st time we hanged out together to not fall in love with me. Well, something like that. Lol, look where that got us.
A girl and a boy can be just friends but, at one point or another, they will fall for each other. Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever.
Its the 6th day of College and I haven’t made new friends yet. I miss my old friends SO BAD. I really don’t belong with the people I’m with and I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I can’t relate to anyone and I feel sort of misunderstood. I don’t feel like I can be myself around them, I have this constant urge to gain their approval. This sucks big time. I mean, I know brighter days will come but when? I don’t know how long I can keep this act together. It’s like every other night I break down to tears. I have never felt so out of place in my life.
As Bruno Mars said,
just like all the seasons never stay the same
All around me I can feel a change.
I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me
leave the past behind me, today my life begins,
A whole new world is waiting It’s mine for the taking,
I know I can make it, today my life begins.
GOD HELP ME I HONESTLY DON’T THINK IM MAKING FRIENDS IN COLLEGE.
Day 5 and I’ve already screamed at someone to shut up in front of everybody. Honestly, I couldn’t contain myself! Before that happened I was stuck in 2 classes wherein some bitch took off her shoes and placed her god damn stinky feet on my chair!!!!!!!!! LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU INSANE, HAVE YOU NO MANNERS WOMAN. The first class she was behind me and I was jotting down my notes right then it suddenly reeked of feet!! (and everyone knows how much I HATE FEET. DISGUSTING) and I was sure it came from somewhere in the back so I tried to check behind me if anyone took off their shoes and damn it!!! She was behind me. What the absolute fuck woman. Why the fuck would you do that. Not to mention my hand brushed by her toes!!! And her toes brushed by my pants and bag!!! Fucking A. The next class I thought would be safe. But nooo, our teacher decided to arrange us alphabetically in columns and she happens to be sitting right beside me!! Then she does the same thing again except this time she puts her feet beside my fucking ass!!! I could swear her feet probably felt warm under my ass. Fucking bitch. The whole time, I was trying to think of a way to POLITELY tell her to put her god damn feet back in her shoes. Where they belong. But I figured, I wouldn’t be nice about it if I said it then so I tried so hard to contain myself. Which brings us back to when I screamed at some other girl who was making noise outside rigt after class ended. I feel bad and all because I honestly didn’t think anyone heard me but hey, she was being obnoxious and boisterous! I couldn’t contain myself any longer. But I apologized anyways.
I swear to god I’m bringing perfume to school from now on. I might even give her foot powder or some Shiz to keep that girls reeking, stinky, disgusting feet away from me!!! 😷
I don’t even know where to begin talking about how today went.
I was sort of excited while I was getting ready. I woke up on the right side of bed, which is a total shocker because well, it’s a school day. I was right on time! Then our Math teacher doesn’t show up. At least our classroom was aircon, right? I’m sort of stuck hanging out with 5 people I can barely relate to. Language barrier. How am I supposed to express myself and be myself in Cebuano?? And I don’t drink! Frankly, I hate drinks. And they’re stupid for wanting to drink during breaks or before class even starts. I get that there’s a lot of people who drink, smoke and shiz in College but SERIOUSLY?? ON THE FIRST DAY?? They are so judgmental and full of it! One complains too much and acts like a total bimbo, she and her partner put too much effort on their face and one is so clingy towards THE ONLY guy who hangs out with us.
I don’t know how long I can last with those people! I mean they’re fun to be around, I guess, but they’re not the type of people I’m usually with. I don’t always joke around, they do. I don’t laugh towards the stupidest things, THEY DO. And I most definitely am not interested in cutting class or drinking. They’re in a constant high, I’M NOT. Dear god, help me out here.
Yes, they’re not the only people in my class but for now, they’re the only people I sort of trust to be around. They’re making it hard for me to befriend other people because well, they’re too picky with who they hang out with. And like I said, they’re too judgmental. I like being around something familiar but this is the time of my life when I actually have to be alone. I’ll find my way. I’ll figure something out… being alone though..Just scares me.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I cannot believe this is happening. I cannot believe this is the last day of summer. I cannot believe summer is over. I cannot believe I have to wake up early and go to school tomorrow. I cannot believe I’m in freakin College!!!!! It just hit me. Like a meteor out of nowhere. The thought of having to be independent, more social because of my course and being in an unfamiliar environment. What the fuck have I gotten myself into. Goodbye late night movie marathons, goodbye going to the mall whenever I felt like it, goodbye being able to eat anything, goodbye old friends!!! :(( I can’t believe I have to grow up already. I can’t believe all this. My hands are shaking and their all sweaty and this is really gross. I most definitely did not expect myself to feel THIS nervous. Holy fuck.